{Spoken too // Even when not listening}
I almost feel like I am coming out in a sense because not too many "Christians" seem to talk this topic or verbally confirm that they have doubt. They also seem to not have much to say when I try and bring it up quite honestly.
For those of you who truly know me, you would know the major struggle and many doubts I have been having with my faith for the last two years.
It's a strange concept. Because I was immersed in a religion my entire life. I got to learn about, know, serve, love, and give my life to Jesus. Now, I find myself in a state of feeling disconnected from the Creator. Truthfully, it is difficult for me to attend a private Christian university where I am forced in a Christ-centered community, but my doubt has not kept me from practicing my usual prayer like routines. I still talk and ask God for things, but it merely is because I have been conditioned to do that. With that being said, before I left to come to South Africa I did ask God to "break my heart for what broke his" since I knew I would not be coming abroad to just study and have a good time, but to serve in the developing communities at whichever service site I choose. So for the last few weeks, every Wednesday morning from 8 a.m. - 10:30 a.m. we have been visiting the different service site. We get an opportunity to meet the staff, walk around the building in which their program is held at, and even meet some of the regular people that are enrolled (involved, registered, attend) in the programs.
The first site we visited was called iThemba. We visited one of the creches they have in the town called Sweet Water, which is a very poor town. This was the first time I have actually ever experienced a culture shock. I thought I honestly had mentally prepared myself enough for what I would be seeing, but when I was walking down the dirt road passing by the people and seeing their small one room tin house (literally there are thousands of them) I realized, this was their culture and this was normal. No matter how much I'd like to criticize or pity them, they have joy. And that's something I can't say every American has no matter their house size, how many apple products they have, or how many cars are in their driveway. For those of you that don't know, a creche is something similar to like a kindergarten/dare care program that we have in the States. All the little kids saw our group approaching and were standing by the fence waving at us. I immediately was hit with a strong urge to cry. I watched as my fellow classmates bent down to greet the kids. Speaking what little Zulu we knew to get a feel for the place. I stood in the background biting my knuckle so I wouldn't lose it. As much as I love kids, it was hard seeing them dressed in dirty clothes running around barefoot because they probably didn't own shoes. That is their culture.
The second site we visited was called Ethembeni. It is located in a rural area called, Mpophomeni. It is primarily an AIDS/HIV ministry. There I did not have a strong emotional reaction but I felt like that was the place I wanted to serve. They do a little bit of everything. From community development projects (like teaching to cook or garden), an after school program, teaching young women about pregnancy/labor/birth which many of them know absolutely nothing about, and lastly they even have a small health center to help take care of patients with AIDS/HIV when they get sick. I thought surely, this is where I was supposed to be.
Then, today we visited RivLife. I had heard a little about this place before coming and liked what I had heard. We arrived and were greeted by to graduated APU students who were now back serving again in the program helping to run it. This program focuses on inter-city community outreach. They focus on children of all ages in giving them an after school program, feeding them, counseling them, teaching prevention against AIDS/HIVS and pregnancy (etc). They also do home visits and AIDS/HIV outreach as well. After they went over their program description and answered our questions they told us we would be meeting some of the younger kids who were their doing morning lessons. The program manager said, "Be prepared, they love hugs". When he said that my heart literally dropped into my stomach and I felt the need to cry again. I backed up as all the kids came running out to meet us. I didn't want to interact with the kids if I wasn't sure I would be coming back. Before coming to South Africa I was so dead set on not doing ministry with kids, because I didn't want to be the typical 'Christian' person coming to Africa and doing service work with children so I could get a new profile picture. So I sat on a chair next to Baba and watched as the little boys ran around and the all the girls play with the hair of some of my female classmates. I sat there pondering, what was it like to have my heart broken. Was it the all the emotions I was feelings that was urging me to cry? I said to God nonchalantly, "break my heart for what breaks yours".
He replied with a faint whisper-like voice, This is My heart.
I was caught off guard. I wasn't expecting a reply, nor was I even trying to listen for an answer. Now, I have a new place in mind as to were I would like to be spending a month of serving.
This week we experienced our first thunder and lightening storms. It's pretty flipping awesome.
Peace be the journey.
It's a strange concept. Because I was immersed in a religion my entire life. I got to learn about, know, serve, love, and give my life to Jesus. Now, I find myself in a state of feeling disconnected from the Creator. Truthfully, it is difficult for me to attend a private Christian university where I am forced in a Christ-centered community, but my doubt has not kept me from practicing my usual prayer like routines. I still talk and ask God for things, but it merely is because I have been conditioned to do that. With that being said, before I left to come to South Africa I did ask God to "break my heart for what broke his" since I knew I would not be coming abroad to just study and have a good time, but to serve in the developing communities at whichever service site I choose. So for the last few weeks, every Wednesday morning from 8 a.m. - 10:30 a.m. we have been visiting the different service site. We get an opportunity to meet the staff, walk around the building in which their program is held at, and even meet some of the regular people that are enrolled (involved, registered, attend) in the programs.
The first site we visited was called iThemba. We visited one of the creches they have in the town called Sweet Water, which is a very poor town. This was the first time I have actually ever experienced a culture shock. I thought I honestly had mentally prepared myself enough for what I would be seeing, but when I was walking down the dirt road passing by the people and seeing their small one room tin house (literally there are thousands of them) I realized, this was their culture and this was normal. No matter how much I'd like to criticize or pity them, they have joy. And that's something I can't say every American has no matter their house size, how many apple products they have, or how many cars are in their driveway. For those of you that don't know, a creche is something similar to like a kindergarten/dare care program that we have in the States. All the little kids saw our group approaching and were standing by the fence waving at us. I immediately was hit with a strong urge to cry. I watched as my fellow classmates bent down to greet the kids. Speaking what little Zulu we knew to get a feel for the place. I stood in the background biting my knuckle so I wouldn't lose it. As much as I love kids, it was hard seeing them dressed in dirty clothes running around barefoot because they probably didn't own shoes. That is their culture.
The second site we visited was called Ethembeni. It is located in a rural area called, Mpophomeni. It is primarily an AIDS/HIV ministry. There I did not have a strong emotional reaction but I felt like that was the place I wanted to serve. They do a little bit of everything. From community development projects (like teaching to cook or garden), an after school program, teaching young women about pregnancy/labor/birth which many of them know absolutely nothing about, and lastly they even have a small health center to help take care of patients with AIDS/HIV when they get sick. I thought surely, this is where I was supposed to be.
Then, today we visited RivLife. I had heard a little about this place before coming and liked what I had heard. We arrived and were greeted by to graduated APU students who were now back serving again in the program helping to run it. This program focuses on inter-city community outreach. They focus on children of all ages in giving them an after school program, feeding them, counseling them, teaching prevention against AIDS/HIVS and pregnancy (etc). They also do home visits and AIDS/HIV outreach as well. After they went over their program description and answered our questions they told us we would be meeting some of the younger kids who were their doing morning lessons. The program manager said, "Be prepared, they love hugs". When he said that my heart literally dropped into my stomach and I felt the need to cry again. I backed up as all the kids came running out to meet us. I didn't want to interact with the kids if I wasn't sure I would be coming back. Before coming to South Africa I was so dead set on not doing ministry with kids, because I didn't want to be the typical 'Christian' person coming to Africa and doing service work with children so I could get a new profile picture. So I sat on a chair next to Baba and watched as the little boys ran around and the all the girls play with the hair of some of my female classmates. I sat there pondering, what was it like to have my heart broken. Was it the all the emotions I was feelings that was urging me to cry? I said to God nonchalantly, "break my heart for what breaks yours".
He replied with a faint whisper-like voice, This is My heart.
I was caught off guard. I wasn't expecting a reply, nor was I even trying to listen for an answer. Now, I have a new place in mind as to were I would like to be spending a month of serving.
This week we experienced our first thunder and lightening storms. It's pretty flipping awesome.
Peace be the journey.
When you seek Him, you will find Him. That's His promise, not mine. My heart is smiling to know that you "heard" Him. You will never forget that moment, baby girl.
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