[Faint Whispers]

{Spoken too // Even when not listening}

I almost feel like I am coming out in a sense because not too many "Christians" seem to talk this topic or verbally confirm that they have doubt. They also seem to not have much to say when I try and bring it up quite honestly.  

For those of you who truly know me, you would know the major struggle and many doubts I have been having with my faith for the last two years.
It's a strange concept. Because I was immersed in a religion my entire life. I got to learn about, know, serve, love, and give my life to Jesus. Now, I find myself in a state of feeling disconnected from the Creator. Truthfully, it is difficult for me to attend a private Christian university where I am forced in a Christ-centered community, but my doubt has not kept me from practicing my usual prayer like routines. I still talk and ask God for things, but it merely is because I have been conditioned to do that. With that being said, before I left to come to South Africa I did ask God to "break my heart for what broke his" since I knew I would not be coming abroad to just study and have a good time, but to serve in the developing communities at whichever service site I choose. So for the last few weeks, every Wednesday morning from 8 a.m. - 10:30 a.m. we have been visiting the different service site. We get an opportunity to meet the staff, walk around the building in which their program is held at, and even meet some of the regular people that are enrolled (involved, registered, attend) in the programs.
The first site we visited was called iThemba. We visited one of the creches they have in the town called Sweet Water, which is a very poor town. This was the first time I have actually ever experienced a culture shock. I thought I honestly had mentally prepared myself enough for what I would be seeing, but when I was walking down the dirt road passing by the people and seeing their small one room tin house (literally there are thousands of them) I realized, this was their culture and this was normal. No matter how much I'd like to criticize or pity them, they have joy. And that's something I can't say every American has no matter their house size, how many apple products they have, or how many cars are in their driveway. For those of you that don't know, a creche is something similar to like a kindergarten/dare care program that we have in the States. All the little kids saw our group approaching and were standing by the fence waving at us. I immediately was hit with a strong urge to cry. I watched as my fellow classmates bent down to greet the kids. Speaking what little Zulu we knew to get a feel for the place. I stood in the background biting my knuckle so I wouldn't lose it. As much as I love kids, it was hard seeing them dressed in dirty clothes running around barefoot because they probably didn't own shoes. That is their culture.
The second site we visited was called Ethembeni. It is located in a rural area called, Mpophomeni. It is primarily an AIDS/HIV ministry. There I did not have a strong emotional reaction but I felt like that was the place I wanted to serve. They do a little bit of everything. From community development projects (like teaching to cook or garden), an after school program, teaching young women about pregnancy/labor/birth which many of them know absolutely nothing about, and lastly they even have a small health center to help take care of patients with AIDS/HIV when they get sick. I thought surely, this is where I was supposed to be.
Then, today we visited RivLife. I had heard a little about this place before coming and liked what I had heard. We arrived and were greeted by to graduated APU students who were now back serving again in the program helping to run it. This program focuses on inter-city community outreach. They focus on children of all ages in giving them an after school program, feeding them, counseling them, teaching prevention against AIDS/HIVS and pregnancy (etc). They also do home visits and AIDS/HIV outreach as well. After they went over their program description and answered our questions they told us we would be meeting some of the younger kids who were their doing morning lessons.  The program manager said, "Be prepared, they love hugs". When he said that my heart literally dropped into my stomach and I felt the need to cry again. I backed up as all the kids came running out to meet us. I didn't want to interact with the kids if I wasn't sure I would be coming back. Before coming to South Africa I was so dead set on not doing ministry with kids, because I didn't want to be the typical 'Christian' person coming to Africa and doing service work with children so I could get a new profile picture. So I sat on a chair next to Baba and watched as the little boys ran around and the all the girls play with the hair of some of my female classmates. I sat there pondering, what was it like to have my heart broken. Was it the all the emotions I was feelings that was urging me to cry? I said to God nonchalantly, "break my heart for what breaks yours".
He replied with a faint whisper-like voice, This is My heart. 

I was caught off guard. I wasn't expecting a reply, nor was I even trying to listen for an answer. Now, I have a new place in mind as to were I would like to be spending a month of serving.

This week we experienced our first thunder and lightening storms. It's pretty flipping awesome.
Peace be the journey. 

[Life Round Here]

{Settling In}

So I've been in South Africa for two weeks now but, it feels like I've been here way longer. I definitely feel at home here. My fellow students are now becoming more comfortable with each other so personalities have been coming out. It has been such a joy getting to know my classmates and I'm sure it will only get better. The people here are extremely friendly, all I want to do is be in town and get to know all the different people. It's literally the best thing to be able to learn the language of the people here and then go out and use it with them. So I'm not this typical American in their country, I actually can communicate with them and find commonality. When I greet them "Sawubona! Unjani?" their faces lighten up with the biggest smile and it makes all the frustration of learning a new language so much more worth it. 

So if you're wondering what we do exactly, allow me to explain. We are ending our second week of classes. We have four more weeks to go for the main classes we are taking. I am taking three courses. My classes are Biology: Humans and the Environment, History and Culture of South Africa, and isiZulu (I have to take this class for eight more weeks because I'm learning a completely new language so it requires more time.) My biology class, if I can just brag for a minute, literally takes a field trip every week. It is the most amazing experience seeing what we've learned in the classroom and applying it in real life. Like we went on a safari this week. NO BIG DEAL...but really it was the coolest thing. During the week, when we are not "doing homework" or in class, we spend our days going to the mall, trying new restaurants, or exploring/hiking around the many acres our campus has. Our weekends are spent traveling into the cities and seeing historical sights or going to cool places. We also visit our service sites on Wednesday. There are four different service sites, we get to visit each of them once and in four weeks (once we've finished classes), we choose one to work at. They each have different focuses, but a lot of them do work with people with AIDS or focus of community development. Teaching the people how to be self sufficient. And yes, because we are in Africa they do have a lot of focus on the youth/children. So you guys will surely be finding out which one I choose and then get to follow my experience there, meeting my fellow classmates that work there with me, and meet people that live in that township. Through the good times and the hard times. Visiting the different towns and service sites definitely brings about a huge culture shock. It's been something that has been difficult for me to see. But I will get more into that when I start working at mine in a month.

I will say one thing...it's a rant kind of. But I honestly miss American food more than anything. Like...I just want Mexican food sooooo bad! Or spicy food. They spicy food here is not spicy at all. I literally have to get "extra spicy straight from satans butt crack" and it does nothing to me. If package shipping wasn't so expensive I'd be begging for some snacks. (Okay, I'm done)

   Alright, I don't really know what else to add. If you have questions I'm more than willing to answer shoot me one in the comment section below. :) 

But here are some pictures from the week:

My professor (left) and Dan the safari driver (right)

Our ride through the game reserve

We took a lunch break at the side of this beautiful waterfall and pond area. The water was questionable, but it was incredible. 

View from the side of the vehicle. It was literally the highlight of my week.

 I thought I share this one, because if you know me, literally high tops are my life. So these babies go everywhere with me in Africa. Only death can separate. 

Boer vs. Zulu battle at Blood River, a historical view of how the wagons were places strategically so the Boers could stay protected and fight. 

Battle field site

This times a thousand.

Salani kahle!

Peace be the journey.

[Arrival]

Sanibona! (Hello in Zulu)

{Soweto}

After a day and a half of traveling we finally arrived [safely] to Johannesburg. We got off the plane in a zombie-like stupor from lack of sleep and jet lag, Our Friday morning continued with a tour of Soweto, an area located inside of Johannesburg. We took a bus and the tour guide pointed out everything in the city. From famous buildings, the biggest hospital in the world, the slums and very impoverished areas, and one of Nelson Mandela's homes. This was the first time I had ever been a minority. It was composed mainly of black people and colored people (mixed with black and white). If that wasn't weird enough, we were driving on the other side of the road and every directional sign has been converted into the metric system, Even though I have only been here for four days (give or take) I have not experienced the culture shock everyone warns you about. I don’t know if it is because I already was expecting to see a lot of poverty or because I truly hate American materialism that seeing people literally have nothing while still being joyful, was not surprising. These are textbook outcomes. The people were friendly, everyone waved us. Both with a mixture of excitement because we were Americans, and also because we are Americans so we’re automatically rich. 

{Pietermaritzburg}

We got to the campus on Friday night. Had a relaxing weekend filled with exploring, mall runs, and visiting a local church. Monday we started classes. My class schedule is pretty intense. I have classes all day, and they each last AT LEAST 3 hours each. The reason is because we have 6 weeks to cram our credit hours to match a normal 14 week semester. I am taking the language class, so I am learning Zulu and I will be taking that class for 10 weeks. I'm super excited to be taking the courses I am because it's very hands on. We get to discuss it in the classroom then go on a hike or go visit a historical place so we can experience and get a better understanding of the country we're living in. 

Salani kahle!

(Stay well)

Also, here are some photos.

This is the product of jet lag and insomnia. My first African sunrise from my top bunk. 

This is a bridge that is right above one of the many waterfalls located all around my campus

This is the view looking at the valley from the bridge, this my "backyard". This picture doesn't even do it justice.

Here is the waterfall. It currently is my favorite place to sit. I find an incredible amount of peace sitting at the top or bottom of it. The water is so clear and the sand is red. I'm here a lot.

This is the water, it's completely clear. 

Until next time friends!

Peace be the journey. 

[Apprehensive] [Anxious] [Eager]

 { Suddenly I'm hit }

[Apprehensive] - 09/01/14

Monday morning I had my first pre-orientation meeting since being back on campus. It was the longest four hours of my life. Awkward "ice breaker" questions were given to us to so we could begin to acquaint ourselves with other students going on the trip. Up until that point I had felt pretty numb about the whole trip, it still didn't feel real. But the meeting brought some excitement because I felt like the trip was becoming a reality and not something I just knew was going to be happening. 

Followed after the long introductory meeting we had a "commissioning ceremony", typical APU. The program director (of South Africa), the director of study abroad programs, and one of the campus pastors all took their turns sharing their hearts and visions for us. They told us all how we were going to be changed on this trip, in fact that promised it. They told us we're doing something not many other students have the courage to do. They emphasized how much work Jesus is doing in the country of South Africa. They encouraged us to go in the name of Jesus; to be open to His work and to keep his name "on our tongues". I sat there listening blankly to them, realizing that this is not about to be an easy trip. What have I gotten myself into? I sat there thinking I didn't want any of that.

Leaving the ceremony I didn't know how to analyze all the information I had just been given all day. I literally went back to my friends apartment (which is where I have been crashing) and had an emotional break down. If I'm being completely honest, I didn't want to go. I cried for a couple hours trying to figure out how I needed to deal with this, because it was honestly too late to back out of this trip.

(I don't expect any of you to understand)

 [Anxious] - 09/02/14

Tuesday brought about refreshing reunions. After my mental breakdown the day before, I definitely felt A LOT better about leaving. I spent the day running into and catching up with friends. It was really nice. But as the day grew longer I began to feel the fear again. I can't even sit here and justify my anxiety to you. Like my life is about to change in 26 hours and 23 minutes. I am going with no expectations, I want to experience everything and make opinions myself without the influence of others. Go into things without expectations then nothing can disappoint you.

[Eager] - 09/03/14

1:00 am: So I can't sleep. This sucks. I leave my campus in 16 hours and 15 minutes. I remember when it said 113 days before I leave. It's really crazy how fast summer went by. I'm sitting my friends couch trying to be tired.
10:46 am: I have six hours and 29 minutes. It's actually happening. My morning has consisted of tiny freak outs, bursts of excitement, phone calls, and last minute packing.
I won't be documenting the rest of my day, but I leave at APU at 5:15 today and my flight from LAX is at 9:45 and I'll be flying to London to then catch a connecting flight to Johannesburg.

I will not have a phone, so do not call or text me. Obviously, if you're reading this you can contact me through facebook. But if you know me at all you know I really don't like facebook so I would prefer emails if anyone wants to get a hold of me for whatever reason. 

My email: hclifford12@apu.edu

I am so looking forward to sharing my adventure with you all while I'm abroad and when I return the states.

{ Peace be the journey } 

Year Two

I'm back [home] Los Angeles

I've been anticipating this arrival back to southern California all summer. I miss the busy city life when I'm living at home on the central coast. Everything closes before 10 p.m. and it's too small for the amount of tourists is accumulates. I will miss the the rolling golden hills, all the beautiful oak trees, the wild Spanish moss, going to Walmart, and all the country side back roads that Ash and I would drive. But, new adventures await. In just seven short days I will be leaving the country for my fall semester to study abroad in South Africa. 

"Wow Hannah! That's so awesome, are you excited?"

NO

 I'm terrified. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. 

I don't really know what to expect, but I am leaving with a viable mindset and a heart that is preparing to be broken. 

To be vulnerable in new surroundings. 

Thank you to anyone who is reading this. My purpose of this blog is to provide a way to stay connected with friends while I'm abroad, since I won't be able to talk to everyone while I'm gone. I am going to try my best to keep it update. One of my goals is to stay off social media and be present.